Well, consider this. I met my wife because she was dating my brother. She was a nice tall, slender suburban blonde girl, not a mean bone in her body. Now, my brother looks and acts like Niles Crane on the TV show Frasier, and most people tell him about the resemblance. I take after my maternal grandfather and that side of the family. More blue collar, loud. Go find the song by Montomery Gentry, "There's One in Every Crowd." Now, I asked my wife about her choice one time. My brother is quite successful, a college dean, he even works overseas setting up universities. While we both have been financially okay, my brother makes a good deal more. So I wondered if my wife had regrets. She darned near laughed in my face! She related that she would have run him ragged, dined on his bones. He would have bored her to death. You can get money, and bad boys love good women, too. But bland pasty little guys pretty much turn out to be as you first found them. Their idea of wild sex is leaving the light on. Now, my wife's not the only one who relates this to me. And not surprisingly, I once really tried to treat one woman nice because I really loved her. She kicked me to the curb for a pasty guy--then snuck back over to my house 'periodically.' I'd have been better off dumping her, then I would have never lost her. The big secret, my wife and I still laugh. Big laughs. Inappropriate laughs. In the end, life has to be fun and worth the adventure. Go find a bad boy before you settle for comfort.
My husband is a kind, generous, funny bloke and there's nothing one-dimensional about him (not much pretty about him either, mind ), I haven't been bored for a moment - one can have a good heart and a good personality. Eunoia that date sounds lovely, have fun
^ Exactly. Thanks, it was fun. @ The Tourist Interesting. But like I said, good guys aren't necessarily boring. You can have fun and adventures with good guys. Me and this guy get on so well, we have such a great chemistry and fun arguments, I feel comfortable enough to always be honest with him, and he genuinely cares about me. Let me tell you, that's hard to find and I've not even known the guy long so I'm definitely not settling for comfort, I'm settling for someone who I really like and who really likes me, and I think we stand a good chance. I'm not like the stereotypical woman, I have issues and a good guy is probably only able to help me with them. Besides, there's nothing wrong with good guys, I don't know why you have such a thing against them.
My boyfriend's a "good guy" and, believe me, our relationship makes all the "bad guy" hunters jealous. Whilst they're crying about getting used and dumped yet again, we're celebrating 3 years together. Good people deserve good partners - being good doesn't make you boring, just reliable. Dependable. I'd also like to point out that my boyfriend is both of those things, and I've never, ever been bored of him. Why on earth anyone should have to justify liking a "good guy" I'll never know. Sounds like an amazing date Eunoia! I'm happy for you. P.S Know what I find laughable? Someone who could quite genuinely describe themselves as a "bad boy". I feel like I've just been warped into an episode of Happy Days.
Personally, I think it's because you and I are looking at the spectrum of time from opposite ends. I have lived a good chunk of my life and know lots of folks who have made choices, some good, some bad, some just safe. What I've found in all people is a common thread of regrets. We all have them, sort of missed opportunities or events at a crossroad and we wonder if we made the correct choices. As for these regrets, people are saddened by what they didn't do, not what they did. Oh, you might break an arm or get arrested my way, but it's better than remembering a high school dance where you just didn't participate and now those years are gone. I was in love four times, and that took over 200 failures. I remember those women fondly, even now. Other than my wife, I don't know where any of them are, how they turned out, or even if they are alive. But I did know them. I took risks. I got hurt worse than I can relate because I'm not that good of an author yet. And I watched my dad's life. Good student, one job that lasted 42 years, his big hobby was fly-fishing, one woman, and died in his sleep. I would gladly live every pain of my life over again, and pursue those chances even more vigorously, than live my dad's life. There's an old adage "good guys finish last." I don't believe it--they're not even in the game at all.
The bad boys (and girls) will always bring more pain than joy. They live for self, and they bore easily. So why do some seek out the bad boys, or the bad girls? Sometimes it's the comfort of familiarity, Sometimes it's a feeling on unworthiness. Sometimes it's just a mistaken impression that dangerous is more exciting and fun. By its nature, though, it doesn't last.
Well, I'm 62, it ain't over yet and I'm thinking about buying a third Harley. Look at the stories we write. In many ways we strive to create people, lives, countries and experiences we either cannot or will not pursue. Why is that? It's not just the loud stuff. Many of the guys I know lament over an ever-widening gut, loss of muscle tone and a flat out deflated ego. I tell them to come to the gym with me. Then I get the story about "no time" or about their bad backs--knees--elbows--groin pulls and a dozen other excuses. Look, working out hurts. I spent two hours on a Gaunlet machine this morning. My left upper lat has been killing me for almost two weeks. But I'd rather have victory over a few bruises than live life on a couch. And that's the point here. Life isn't a neat three page report for school. You can play, or watch someone else play. As for not lasting, I've been married for 27 years to a woman I adore, not bad for something "temporary."
Let me clarify - I didn't mean being a bad boy/girl doesn't last. I meant they don't hang around in relationships. There are exceptions, particularly the person who plays the bad one as an act for peer status.
Hold on a minute. You can't say that for certain. Haven't you ever seen Deniro in This Boy's Life? Maybe this guy is just being nice until he infatuates her. Then the chains come out.
Taken as individuals, you're right. My brother and his first wife bored the paint right off my walls, and they lived in another state! However, this is a forum. You have a scant few paragraphs to outline and define your view on the global aspect of any topic. I could trot out fifty guys who'll probably die tired from an exciting life, but there'll always being one happy bored guy in Peoria who breaks the overall rule. More to the point, this ties to our writing in two ways. First, we seek a style of writing to entice an audience. Then we violate the constraints of our advice, and say, "Gee, that looks like fun, but I'd rather scrub floors for a living." Then, I worry about separating ourselves from life. Are our books and stories just going to amount to googled facts on someone else's excitement? For example, I find firearm errors in just about every book I read. Why? Because I don't google, I shoot. I've seen it both ways. Boredom in my family and boredom in ho-hum business. And I've lived up on the edge. We need to find the same excitement in our existence as we try to demonstrate in our writing. Yikes, our lead characters live better lives than we do!
Not sure how your reply addresses my joke about being nice to a girl just to trick her into liking you, but in response to your reply all I have to say is the following. Your ideas make sense from a selfish perspective. Others might prefer to dedicate their lives to science, art, or physical achievement. You know, something to improve the future for others ~_~
Perhaps there's just a mix-up in definitions here? My definition of a 'kind' or 'good' person is someone who is nice to waiting staff in restaurants, who helps friends out when they're in a bind, who considers people less fortunate than themselves and wants to help them, and who doesn't try to make others feel bad. A 'bad' person is someone who is rude to strangers/waiting staff, is selfish and self- involved, has no charitable inclinations, and will happily take the piss out of anyone for a cheap laugh. Now in my scant 29 years on the planet I've met enough people to know that those who fit into the first definition are infinitely more fun to be around than the second lot. There's also nothing about the kind people that precludes them from an 'exciting' life - unless of course you think going around being a dickhead is exciting. The Tourist, you seem to be working from a different definition, perhaps as Ashleigh says a more Richie Cunningham vs The Fonz approach? I have to say, I very rarely see such stereotypes in real life, but perhaps it depends where you live. Also, it depends on what you think an exciting, fun life would be. To me that's a life full of travel and exploration, experiencing the richest, poorest, busiest and most remote parts of the world- something 'good' people do all time (my Dad being one of them!). To others, it may be owning guns and motorbikes (as it happens my Dad is a motorbike nut too!)- as always, to each their own.
Look, I'm not saying you shouldn't date whomever you want. If this is the kind of guy you like, then pursue him. There are many choices in life. Just remember that the choice of a mate is one of those "crossroads" moments in life. It's not like buying a new pair of socks or ordering the chicken instead of the beef. If this is the kind of guy you want, then make your choice. Then tell us how the socks fit.
^You can come to the wedding, Tourist. But seriously, I'm aware of that. That's why my choice has been to be single, for almost all of my adult life (so far).
LOL. As you might remember, I gave away and burned all of my good clothes in an act of conscience. Besides, I don't go to weddings. It implies that I tacitly approve of looting some poor schlep of half his wealth, and the concept of monotony, er, I mean monogamy.
Sounds fun, I don't like religious orientated events. If I ever get married I would have a party instead of a wedding i.e. a short trip to a registration office, and save the money.
While I am spiritual, I got married in a restaurant. There was an alcove area the owner turned into a chapel, the receiving line was on some steps leading to large banquet table. You didn't have to drive to the reception, you walked about twenty feet. My best man was a guy I rode with in a motorcycle club. My future MIL kept repeating I was taking her daughter away to "some cult." She openly wondered if the entire procedure was legal. My SIL was ticked there was no smoking inside the restaurant. My other future SIL, who thinks the world revolves around her and is always late, was irritated we didn't hold up the ceremony because "she had child-care issues" to resolve. I had a lot of fun. My wife and I went to the gym the next morning, and actually returned to the restaurant because it was one of our favorites. When I asked for the check, the owner declined to bill us because the meal was crafted from food I had purchased for the wedding, but had never been used for the reception. All in all, a real oddball time. But, hey, anyone can get married under normal circumstance.
You know, I've faced down High Court judges, met violent murderers, had death threats made against me, sat exams reliant on being on my toes (if that makes sense) and had people's freedom riding on my shoulders. There is nothing so nerve-wracking as asking a girl out. By the way, where on Earth is a good place to take a girl in Newcastle? I may have lived there for four years, but that time was spent studying rather than expanding my romantic horizons.
Depends on the girl A perfect night for me would be dinner at Pani's then a film at the Tyneside or maybe some comedy at The Stand, but I'm a casual kind of girl. I hear good things about Las Iguanas if you like Mexican/Cocktails, or Six at the Baltic is lovely if you want something fancier. I haven't been for a proper night out in a while but I remember Tokyo being a good bar- and it has booths which are nice for couples. Have fun!
My husband annoys me. We've been married for three years, and I love him I really do, but sometimes he is SO ANNOYING!!! Little things he does, which he knows I find annoying, and which he does with the sole purpose of annoying me. For example: he knows I have tickles borderlining a psychologically deranged degree. And yet he does it. Why?!? And many other little games and silly things I intensely dislike. I tell him again and again that I would like him to be nicer and stop being childish, and he just laughs at me. It's driving me insane! I am starting to sound histeric. Yes, sure, we are all mad to some degree or other, but I really am a calm easygoing person most of the time: in my work, with my friends, with the rest of my family... but with my husband I just lose my control. So, is this normal in most marriages?
@Lady Amalthea I have never been married, but whats stopping me from giving my opinion? Haha! I'll do my best, promise. If the situation to you is serious, then make sure he sees it as a serious situation. I'd say, take him out to a nice quite place for dinner and explain to him the frustrations you are having. Paint the situation as serious as you see it. One of the biggest relationship killers, from my perspective, is lack of communication. Some men don't listen, and, sometime, some women don't speak; the later being the final straw in my last relationship. I don't know if you are part of Gen X or later, but generations after the internet boom are having a difficult time communicating through language. If this might be the case, then use all forms of communication to try and get your point across. Hope that might be some useful information. Now for me: I need some advice when it comes to the first moments of meeting someone. I am 29, somewhat smart, somewhat witty, and somewhat creative, but I just shut down around women. Whenever I go on dates, or if I just want to talk to a girl whom I think is cute, I freak out. Lol, I try meditation techniques like breathing deeply and looking into their eyes to avoid the "up here scenario," but I can't allow myself to be myself. And I was wondering if there is anything I can do to try and break through these walls.
@Lady Amalthea: I'm sure everybody gets frustrated during marriage, but if it's a constant frustration that never seems to go away, then it's time to talk about it. Explain to him how it's making you feel. I mean, is it just that he's annoying or is there a deeper issue? I was with my ex for a couple years and by the end of it he was annoying me to the point where I couldn't stand it. But it really wasn't that HE was annoying, though he did have extremely irritating habits. It was actually that I was mad at him about a larger issue. Either way, it's important to talk about it. He and I didn't talk much and of course didn't stay together. I'm married now, though, and we make it a point to be very open with each other. I mean, that doesn't always go down well and we've certainly had some fights, but at least the feelings are out in the open. It's important to be able to trust your spouse with your feelings. @Shane Grayson: Maybe part of the reason you get nervous is because of the expectations you have built up in your head. Perhaps you might try making it a point to talk to or hang out with women you're attracted to, but only in a friendly way without any expectations of anything more. That way you can learn to be comfortable around them and slowly work the expectations back in.
@Baywriter Thank you for the reply. I was thinking about this earlier today: what if I were to try and make friends with women I find attractive, but not allow myself any expectations; and, maybe then, I will get over this sense of anxiety when first meeting someone. But then it hit me: even when I am around men I meet for the first time I get anxious. So, in retrospect, I get anxious when I first meet people. But you are right, there are expectations there when I am meeting people, all people. I dont know, I think I have issue of trust with people. I feel people are always judging me on every aspect of my life, especially when it comes to be a bachelor. "why don't you have a girlfriend Shane? Are you gay or something? not dating because of school? whats the deal? there has to be a reason." I swear, sometimes I feel like Jude Fawley, that someone is in control of my life and deliberately trying to wreck it. I have no idea what to do... anyone have any pointers?
