And one more: Bob was in trouble. He had forgotten his wedding anniversary. His wife was extremely angry. She told him, "I better find a girft in the driveway tomorrow morning, preferably one that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds, or you're in trouble!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a weight scale. Bob has been missing since that day. [I can't take credit--the 2 former jokes are from the interwebs]
A chicken and an egg go to bed together. They have sex. When they're done, the chicken lays back, lights a cigarette, and says "Well, I guess that settles that."
A pirate walks into a bar. The barkeep looks up and sees that he has a ships' wheel sticking out from the from of his pants. "Dosen't that thing bother you?" He asked the pirate. "Yarr, Its driving me nuts"
Good one! LMAO! It took me a second, and then I cracked up. Joel just looked at me like I was crazy. Hahaha I used to work with a guy who tried to tell that joke, only he messed it up and said "it's driving me balls."
hahah I'm so easily entertained, the first page 2 men walk into a bar still makes me laugh even after i've reread it 30 times. Here are some of my favorite: 2 muffins are in an oven, one turns to the other and says "Man its hot in here" the other looks at the first and says, "HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!" Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stomp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out the burning ducks. What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? One goes Wack, Darn!. The other goes DARN, Wack! What's brown and sticky? A stick. Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was DEAD! Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was... stapled to... the first monkey... Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? .... Peer Pressure. How many Psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change. Two fish are in a tank, and one says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?" What's Black and what and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white? A penguin rolling down a hill. What's black and white and laughing? The penguin who pushed him. How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? LETS GO RIDE BIKES! How do you make Lady Gaga cry? Poke her face. Yeah so cheezey but funny in my opinion.
Bill bailey is the man. (Though i guess his jokes don't work in text form half as good) "I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair. I actually call them the Eggs Of Numbing Inevitability. And when I buy them, I always ask for them in the third person: "Bill Bailey would like the Eggs Of Numbing Inevitability." It answered me back once, in a funny voice it said "But you are not Bill Bailey, you are a mere Doppelganger. I am the true Bill Bailey, from another dimension." And I thought, Oh alright. I decided the only way to overcome this was to run very fast at my counterpart, and I was just about to hit it when I realised it was actually the highly polished side of a cheese counter."
During my commute, I happened to rear-end the car in front of me. After we both pulled to the side, the driver of the car in front exited, and I was surprised to see he was a dwarf. "I am NOT Happy!" shouted the dwarf driver. "Well, which one are you then?" was my reply. *Apparently, this is a really old joke. I've never heard it, though.*
I looked but didn't see one. How can we have a forum without a joke thread!?!?! I'll go first, with a salute to my Irish roots: An Irish man has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So your man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand. It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting. 'So... you've been out drinking again!' 'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame. 'The pub called-- you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'
When I visited Berlin I bought several Kinder Surprises for my friends back home. At the airport the security guy laughed and waved me over. He asked if I wanted to know what was inside the chocolates. The X-Rays there are AMAZING.
Hmm. . . I'll toss in a quick one. A third grade teacher is explaining to her class that humans are the only creatures known to stutter. "That's not true!" says a girl in the front row. "I had a cat that stuttered once." The teacher smiles. "Oh? How did that happen?" "Well, I was playing with Buster in the back yard one day when the neighbor's rottweiler jumped over the fence. It chased Buster into a corner and growled at him. Buster backed into the fence saying, 'fff-fff-FFF,' but before he could say "F***!" the doggy ate him."
^Haha that's a good one. We were telling jokes at my parents' yesterday, and Joel told this one: Sarah Jessica Parker walked into a bar. The bartender looked at her and said "why the long face?" It may not be that funny, I don't know...but my sister's fiance and I cracked up.
My son told me this one in the car today. Q: What's the difference between Santa Clause and Tiger Woods? A: Santa stopped after three "Ho"s.
Writing: The humor is in the reading! A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A Fox News reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.' The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a reporter for FOX News, you know, and tomorrow's report will have this story as the lead item. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?' The biker replies, 'I'm a union member truck driver and a Democrat.' The Fox reporter leaves. The following morning the biker tunes in to see if they indeed reported the news of his actions, and hears, as the lead story: *UNION TRUCK DRIVER BIKER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
A duck strolls into a bakery. 'Hey, shopkeep, got any curtains?' he asks the baker. 'No,no, we're a bakery. There's a fabric shop hundred yards down the road. Thankyou' The duck leaves. The next day, the duck the strolls into the bakery. 'Hey, got any curtains?' 'No,' replies the now exasperated baker.'Down the road. Fabric shop.' The duck leaves. The next day, in strolls the duck. 'Got any curtains?' he asks the baker. The baker is furious. 'Listen you, if you come in again I'm gonna get some nails and nails your bloody beak to the counter.' The duck leaves. The next day, in strolls the duck. 'Got any nails?' he asks the baker. 'Erm, no,' replies the bewildered baker. "Got any curtains?' asks the duck.
Subject: The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!' The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?' Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
