I have to second this. I actually tripped a bit over the verb choice "to stopper." I like it when nouns are made into verbs, but in my opinion some nouns are more flexible in this regard than others. So we've got the verb stop, then we make it into a noun stopper and then we turn the noun stopper into a verb to stopper. Merry-go-round? ETA: Not that you could say "I can't stop the night in a jar" 'cause that'd be nonsensical...
If I'm not too late, I like this much better than the original, but: The word 'gonna' doesn't match the more formal language in the rest, even though it is dialogue. I'd go with "I'm going to miss the sky." I would make it ..."I can't give her the moon, nor even a sliver of light". (one sentence - no 'really')
@KaTrian - actually, "stopper" is recognised as a verb by the OED However I grant you that perhaps it's not used often! @stevesh - the passage you liked best is the one me and my co-author decided to use in the end Thank you for your additional points. You're right that "Not even a sliver a light" standing as its own sentence always sounded a little bit off to me too, so I will take you idea and merge the sentence methinks. I'll have a ponder over whether to keep "really" or use "nor" or in fact if I should keep "even" if I don't keep "really". Thanks! Edit: that final sentence of mine reads soooo weirdly hahaha. Try reading it out loud!
