@A Fellow Stalker, how did you "make friends", so to say? Through work, hobby, etc? I'm legitimately curious.
The quickest way to break ice, to make people like you from the start, and to get you through any social situation is to ask people about themselves. Ask where they're from. Ask if they like something in particular. Ask how they ended up at the party. Whatever. Don't appear interested in them, BE interested in them. You'll not only learn something about them, but folk love to talk about themselves, as a general rule. They'll think you're a fabulous conversationalist if you only ask them questions. From your point of view, what they say will give you an idea of their character, and whether or not you want to further the acquaintance. I think the worst way to make friends is to appear needy. By that, I mean latching onto people prematurely. We've all met this type. You meet them, like them okay, and suddenly they're all over you like a rash, referring to you as their best friend, etc etc. I run a mile when that happens. Friendships, like any relationship, can't really be forced. Just make yourself visible, attend events that interest you, don't worry about how you are coming across to other people, but experience how they are coming across to you. Just take it easy. Not every social encounter will result in friendship, but most of them can at least be pleasant. As to your specific problem with your roommate, @Lea`Brooks , you could do worse than write your feelings in the form of a letter to him. I do that all the time in awkward situations. You can write it all down, even show it to your husband to get his feedback. Let it sit for a couple of days till you're sure it says what you want to say. Then give it to the roommate ...tell him you feel awkward expressing your feelings verbally, and that you feel you can say what you actually mean better in a letter. This can work very well indeed, because you won't get dragged into an argument. You've said what you mean, and there it is in black and white. What is probably needed is a constructive approach, so maybe working out exactly who does what, who pays for what, etc, can be addressed. Sometimes these kinds of situations can get out of hand because one party doesn't know what the other one expects. For example, he might not do housecleaning because he feels he doesn't want to imply that you're not doing it right, or interfere in your routine, etc. After all, he's moved into YOUR house. You don't know till you ask. I think the greatest technique in dispelling awkwardness in social interactions is to ask. Make it clear what your position is, and just ask about theirs. That way things aren't bubbling along under the surface, getting hotter and hotter.
I made a few at a school club. Afterwards I just approached people at parties or in social situations and introduced myself. Maybe do something weird so they remembered me like acting like we were already good buddies or something like that. Tell jokes, listen to people bitch about whatever mundane problems they have (that's sort of half of the whole friendship thing, the other half is your own bitching) and people will naturally like you. Really, Humans are social creatures. Showing confidence is the real way to make friends easily. If you're quiet and act scared they'll think you're weird or uninterested.
I'm completely socially awkward, but from my late-teens I developed ways of hiding this fact. I want nothing more than to curl into a ball and stay at home, on my own or with one or two people. I hate the world out there, I know I'm an oddball and I'd much rather be left alone. But on a nearly daily basis I get up, go out, socialise, work with others, make the most of it and try to do what I have to do. I'd rather not have to though...
OF COURSE I'M SOCIALLY AWKWARD! Without getting into too much detail, I largely avoided people due to large amounts of bullying when I was younger. I became agoraphobic over time, I wasn't able to interact with people normally. I would have a hard time approaching someone. Going outside used to terrify me! I sort grew out of it, but sometimes I wish I didn't.
I've got severe hearing impairment, generalized anxiety disorder and I'm a big introvert. So yes, I'm very socially awkward. I'm so afraid that I'll make an ass of myself/offend someone/make a mistake that I have trouble going out to places crammed with lots of people. While I consider my hearing impairment a gift (as in, y'know, I have the ability to switch my hearing off at will), I wouldn't mind being less introverted and I could do without the generalized anxiety.
You can put me in this category. In fact it is so bad it is part of my disability case. I've had a social worker write that I can't work with other people and I need a job with little or no interaction with a supervisor. Yeah it's that bad. You would never think I would be that bad if you knew me just a few years before. I used to work in retail sales and management. Needless to say I had hundreds of interactions per day with other people. Good, bad, you name it. I worked as a cell phone salesman a couple of times and most people know how much they have to talk in order to get customers and sale their service. I was good at my jobs. I was a good manager at my different jobs. I was a Corrections Officer and had to deal with felony offenders every day. I had to be able to talk to them a few different ways depending on the situation. Sometimes I had to be authoritative, calming, normal, and sometimes as a straight asshole. You have to realize I'm not an asshole, but some of the guys only respond when talked to like that because that's how they have been talked to all their life. I think through my jobs I've just become burnt out being around people and talking to them. The fact that I'm bi-polar doesn't help much, but when I'm out in public I'm usually a pretty nice and calm person but I do find myself getting irritated and have short patience in certain situations. I can't stand when people talk on the phone and make me wait for service!
For formalities' sake, I'd say always go to family occasions like the above. Fact that the sister doesn't like you and still invited you shows effort to me - effort at trying to include you because you're her brother's wife. But these things go two ways - you gotta try, too. However, I totally get what you're saying re not wanting to go as well as not knowing what to say. That's exactly what I'm like whenever there's a family occasion at my in-laws. I can't say I try that hard - I never know what to say either because I know everything I do or say will be judged (negatively) anyway by my mother-in-law, so I tend to just sit there. Fact that they can all speak fluent English (the mum's an English teacher and dad works in England) and yet they only speak Czech the entire day when they clearly know I don't speak a word of Czech... well I've got used to it. It does make the "not talking" a bit easier cus it's not like I have any clue what's going on anyway. So yeah, totally know where you're coming from. However, if I were you, I'd go to that baby shower. That baby will be your niece/nephew, like it or not, and I'd venture a guess that it matters to your husband whether you guys get on. It can't be nice for him - just as I know while my husband doesn't push me to do anything I don't want to do, he wouldn't even push me to go to the family occasions, but it would make him very, very sad indeed if I didn't. Show up at formal occasions and be civil - I think that's the least we can/should do really.
Since I've worked/work as a trainer and teacher and soon as a project leader, people skills are a must, so I do consciously put effort into honing my social eye and communication skills. Doesn't mean things wouldn't get awkward sometimes, but I wouldn't say I'm socially awkward as such. I'm not a very warm personality when you meet me in person. I may come off a bit distant although I'm pretty friendly. Still, I rarely "hit it off" with other people like some more open, smile-y, friendly people do; I'm not charming or endearing or lovable. Also, I'm not good at small-talk. I mean, I can do it, but often I feel like oh-god-I just-can't-be-arsed. Sometimes my personality can lead to socially awkward situations, but I wouldn't say I'm socially awkward the way other people describe it here. I do make inappropriate jokes sometimes... Just yesterday about a sloth and a mudfish (nothing dirty, just that I expressed my fascination with these animals around rather serious folk and joked that we could describe our daily mood at the workplace by comparing it to appropriate animals. "I feel like a mudfish today"). I'm not too fussed about such blunders. Plus, when you're an ok-looking young woman you get away with a lot of shit in social situations -- in my experience anyway. One of the invisible benefits of being a woman I guess, woot!
My late wife always called me the social butterfly. Despite that the one place I was never able to build many strong social connections was the USA. Anywhere else no problem, Australia, Britain, Japan, NZ, Italy or Fiji I have always been able to fit in without any effort. I would suggest as a solution is joining a group about something that you have a personal interest in. It would give you an opportunity to discuss topics that other people share an interest in. Connections will grow from there.
A few years ago I was working for Dutch multi-national. My boss told me that in a meeting with a dozen Dutchmen and one Englishman who was fluent in Dutch the meeting would be held in English. More recently I worked for an American multi, with sister companies throughout Europe, including Germany. When we had a couple of German visitors they would generally join us for lunch and talk amongst themselves in German. I know that the Welsh are perceived as unfriendly because, if you go into a pub in rural Wales, there's a silence as a stranger enters the room and then they all start talking in Welsh just so that the Englishman can't understand them.
I would agree with this in normal situations, but you don't know my sister-in-law... lol When she called my husband to ask if I was going, in the same breath, she said, "It wouldn't hurt my fuckin' feelings any if she doesn't come." She didn't want me there. She just wanted the present. My husband doesn't even like her, so I don't think he cares much that we don't get along. He doesn't like much of his family. In fact, I think I like his mom more than he does. I know his mom isn't my biggest fan, but at least she's good at faking it, so I fake it too. His sister, however, is as rude as the day is long. And my husband (and his mother) encourage me to stay away from her. When she first sent me a friend request on Facebook, they both told me not to accept it. Just ignore it, pretend I didn't see it. I accepted, of course, because I'm a nice person. And it bit me in the ass. Then his mom yelled at me (at ME) for accepting her friend request. "I told you not to do it, and you did it anyway. This drama is YOUR fault." She didn't yell at her daughter for starting the drama. Oh no. She yelled at me for trying to be friendly. My husband is prepared to be an uncle, though. Mostly because he says that when the baby gets old enough to have thoughts, she's going to realize how crazy her mother (and grandmother) is and is going to need somewhere to go to be in the company of sane people. His words, not mine. lol But typically, yes, I go to family functions all the time. My husband always gives me the option to not go, but I go. Because I'm his wife and that's what I'm supposed to do. Even my own family. I know we aren't close and we never will be, but I still make the effort to show up and play family for a day.
Lol the Welsh thing sounds like something you'd see in a comedy, but yeah I can believe it. The German thing - that's pretty common, not just amongst Germans but amongst any national group in a foreign land really. It's a pity, sometimes. My friends tell me in our students' Bible study that I no longer go to (got too old for them lol) it's now split into 3 groups: the Brits, the Americans, and the International group. I think that's a real pity On the one hand it's natural for one to be drawn to their own national group or groups with a common dominant language as you - but on the other, let's not make the division so obvious. You know, at least try, c'mon! The Dutch one - that's weird Did your boss not speak Dutch? Seems to me the natural language should have been Dutch in that instance. Anyway I understand that when in a group where everyone spoke Czech and I'm the only one who doesn't, that of course people are predominantly going to speak Czech. That's fine. But you know, the occasional translation or short time in English wouldn't kill them. And if they actually bothered to involve me in the conversation at all, they'd have to speak some English. Like, my family switches between Cantonese and English, too. They don't speak only English even when my husband or my sister's husband are there (neither of them speak Cantonese). But it's never long before my parents switch back into English. Cantonese only really comes out when they're asking each other a specific question or for tea or something - if it's the topic of an actual conversation, they'll switch to English. The only time they speak predominantly Cantonese is when there's a Chinese guest in the house or if they were speaking to me or my sister only. Perhaps because of my experience with my husband's family, I'm also more conscious about translating for my husband to try and keep him in the loop. Oh my... sounds like you got some colourful in-laws. That's a pity It actually sounds a bit worse than mine! At least in my case, the father-in-law and two brothers are all perfectly pleasant lol. How did accepting a FB friend request result in drama?
Oh, it's a long story.... I don't think she liked me from day one, even though I'd never met her. My husband and I met online a long time ago. We finally decided to get together, and when she found out I was moving in with him, she tried to convince him not to let me. Don't ask me why. Like I said, I'd never met her. And I hadn't talked to her in over six years probably. The Facebook thing... My husband and I were dog sitting for a neighbor. And one day, while they were outside using the bathroom, one of the dogs ate their own feces. Now me, not being much of a dog person, had a little freak out moment about how disgusting that was. So I went on Facebook and posted about how I hated dogs.... And his sister went nuts. lol Me and my husband were living with his mom at the time, and there had been some tension. So his sister thought I was talking about his mom's dogs, which I wasn't. But even if I was, it's none of her business (and it's honestly not really that big of a deal). Either way. "I hate dogs" resulted in my husband's sister texting him, throwing a fit, to which he defended me and told her to stop being so dramatic. The next day, his mom didn't say a word to me until my husband came home from work, after which she remarked about how we need to get over our issues with the dogs and hubby needs to stop being rude to his sister. Mind you, my husband was already upset about his sister freaking out about nothing. So he lost his shit on his mom, told her if she didn't stop being so dramatic, he'd never see her again, blah blah blah. I hid in my bedroom because I hate arguments, especially ones that start because of me. But I heard his mom comment about the Facebook post, so I went out and explained it wasn't even about her dogs, to which she said, "Well you should have explained that to her instead of letting her assume the worst." To which I said, "No! I don't have to explain anything to her, especially since she didn't even ask for the full story." To which she said, "Well, I told you you shouldn't have added her on Facebook. Then none of this would've happened." To which I said, "So it's my fault for being polite?" And I walked away. lol We moved out of her house four days later. And our relationship hasn't been the same ever since.
Wow. Sorry to hear that - it sounds like a lot of drama over nothing at all. I dunno, if I ever had my doubts or a question about my sister's husband, I'd pose it as such, with my opinion perhaps - but I wouldn't go all out and make accusations before knowing the full story. Sometimes when you don't know a person well, you can misread them. Well, sounds like a family to be avoided
Just chiming in here to share my own experiences. I used to be quite socially awkward - on par with much of what has been said by others here. In group settings I would drift into wallflower mode hoping to pick off a fellow loner but often just sitting on the edge of the fray. Sometime in my mid 30s I got over it. I dont know why - I just did. I didnt do a 180 - I still have trouble making friends (I actually have no idea how to) and I am still prone to massively excessive foot-in-mouth syndrome largely stemming from this. But most of the awkwardness moved to the wayside. Best guess as to why - I finally developed some comfort in my own skin. I experienced some professional success, which gave me more confidence. I also stopped caring about certain segments of the population, at least in terms of my interaction with them and their perception of me. I started figuring out who I really wanted to interact with and coming up with ways to do so. Finally, once I had kids social issues just became less important to me. My 2 cents, although probably worth the paper its written on, find activities so that conversation ocurrs in the context of the activity rather than the focus itself. Hiking is awesome for this. Book groups probably are as well although I never did that. Anything that creates natural conversation over a topic of mutual interest makes it so much easier. This is also my dating advice for all the single people, for whatever that's worth. Anyway, good luck in figuring things out. I hope things fall into place soon without too much pain and discomfort...
Eh, not as much as other people, but definitely a lot of it. I have symptoms of Aspergers, but I'm not sure if that's coincidental or not. I'm definitely more social than I was a few years ago. I think the Internet helped a lot with that..... I have a small circle of friends, and more people that I'm friendly with. I just don't understand most girls and never have. I don't understand how they bond so easily, how they form such tight cliques, how one girl can charm a whole group of girls into being her best friend. I don't understand boys either, but if I can't sit with a friend, I choose to sit with the (usually older) boys. They're friendlier.
I never use to be, but when I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease things began to change. From age 12 to current day I spent much of my time in the hospital with my mother and four walls. I didn't have much interaction outside of that, and it's caused me to have social anxiety. I didn't grow up around people, I wasn't in school much, and these factors led me to not know how to handle social situations. As a child I was easy-going, and relaxed socially. Now everything is different. Not experiencing much of middle school and never being to high school isn't good for social growth.
As someone with both mild autism (they would have called it Asperger's a while ago, but the two diagnoses have been merged) and high intellect, I have the interesting experience of being somewhat knowledgeable (at least for my age) about human behavior and motivation as abstract concepts while having difficulty reading them on an individual level. Until tenth grade, I had only ever met one person my age who I felt comfortable discussing serious matters with, and even casual social relationships were a great challenge for me. I also used to have very severe social anxiety, but I eventually managed to beat it out of myself through a variety of means.
While I don't have social anxiety like many people on here, I can definitely relate to the members who talked about that certain group of people that you kinda know but not really. I'm awkward in those situations. I especially hate those encounters where you have to pretend that you're really good friends with people you barely know. Those are irritating. I also kind of hate parties that have that super fake social feel to them. Yuck. However, my lack of awkwardness can be a curse sometimes. If I'm not cracking a bunch of jokes like I usually do, my friends assume I'm depressed, sick, or angry. I like making friends with people who don't really enjoy social settings, because I like having that calm, quiet company. Don't ever let anyone tell you you're lame just because you're not a party person. MM
I had a friend with mild autism. He was one of the coolest, smartest guys I've met. He overcame his social issues as well. I think he's got a scholarship to some awesome college now.
I would not describe myself as socially awkward. Socially inept is more accurate. I seem to suffer from such a level of social incompetence that it is better for me to simply stay away from all but my closest two or three friends. You see, I exist outside the bizarre miasma that stops people from being and acting themselves in order to "fit in" with the crowd. I am shy and taciturn for the most part, but blunt and outspoken when my throttle is down. I believe firmly in the right to offend and the principles of freedom of speech, freedom of expression, and freedom from hate. I mean harm to no-one yet suffer at the hands of many. I am slow to offend and slower to forgive. I have little faith in humanity but hope for the individual. Socially awkward? It took me months of dating before I would hug, let alone kiss, my partner. If there's one thing that puts me off a date, it's when he touches me on the first meeting. Years ago I had a date with someone and he took me to a coffee shop. While discussing our writing he casually touched me on the knee. That deal was broken from there. When he asked me for a hug on the train station platform I couldn't believe he hadn't gotten the hint. Yes, I have problems with interaction. They no doubt stem from a traumatic encounter in childhood and a couple of bad first experiences in the bedroom. Bullying in school probably had something to do with it, along with the death of my best friend when I was 16 (my beloved Rottweiler, Sam) after 12 happy years. A year of depression, drinking and organ damage when I was 18 resulting from unrequited love prevented me from seeking any lasting, romantic human companionship for a while. But despite all the troubles and the ridiculous notion that I'm abnormal in a logical, functioning society (which way around is it, really?) I still love myself. That isn't a sinful narcissism. I just realise I'm not a bad person. Loving myself means I have no need to attack other people. I don't need to. I wouldn't trade my mind for any other, and I can leave the juvenile squabbles and the petulant grudges with those who feel them to be worth their time. Because they're not worth mine. This life is too short. I'm not going to spend it fretting over what other human beings think of me... because they're all going to die, like me, and I'll be safe in knowing I worried over bigger things. So long as my mama and papa, my lover, and my children (when I have them) love me, that is all the social interaction I truly need, and truly desire. Throw in a few close friends, and it's a decent package.
One of my fellow employees asked me recently "why don't you talk?" and I kept insisting I was shy but he wasn't having it. He kept asking if there was something wrong with me and how I'm going to cope in the real world with interviews and stuff. I told him I had only failed one out of four interviews I've done so far in life so I'm not doing too bad. He went on to say I create an atmosphere in the car with the other 3 people etc by not talking. I went home and stared at my blank computer screen feeling pretty terrible, for literal hours I stared at the blank screen. I think he's right about a lot of things, but just wish he had've approached a bit more subtly. I don't mean to be so bad at getting to know people and talking. I just get lost in my bubble and sometimes forget there's a world outside me. I'm confident around people my own age though, or if they have common interests. I just find small talk very difficult.
I am very socially awkward. So awkward it hurts. As a child, I was very outgoing and wasn't afraid to talk to strangers. Then I moved to a different state and learned the hard way that almost none of the other children liked my outgoing nature... and I never really learned what it was that put them off. I see some of my old classmates as an adult... and I have zero interest in reconnecting with any of them, let alone talking to them. I swung in the opposite direction by sixth grade, and I stopped approaching others at all. And now I don't even deal with my own family. I can't take the idea of faking it when interacting with them. It is only getting worse. Oddly enough, I can talk more confidently to strangers, even to the point of joking with them. I don't even recognize that I am technically a shut-in. With people I know, I behave more polite and distant. I don't entirely know if this is just a coping mechanism, but it's pretty terrible.
