So, Dime, I read the first part. Honestly, I enjoyed it. I like her cheerful, outgoing spirit. I even like her immaturity; though, it doesn't fit her age. You obviously can't just make her 14, so, you will be forced to remove some of the immature thoughts and comments. I'm glad you decided to start this story a bit earlier, and when you do, I think you should have a good scene with her autistic brother. It could make for good humor, show her parents lack, and show Kaylin's love. I like your voice.
Thanks for your thoughts, architectus. I've already started rewriting, and I'm developing her into a more mature character, but still with some of the childlike, naive qualities. Struggling a bit with the balance between showing the essential backstory and not boring the reader to death, but I guess that will come with practice.
Just choose cool scenes. Her life sounds like it can be fun to read with an autistic brother and all. Maybe she is trying to help him with someone, and he is set on doing it, but she has to juggle with a friend coming over, and cooking dinner because her parents said they would be home late.
I read the first part and was going to go back and read the whole thing, but of course the link is missing. Anyway, I did feel a little bit distanced from the character. And I think I know why. The girl in your story thinks too much about Mr. Handsome, almost seems obsessed. A little bit goes a long way in narrative. It’s easy to make a personality come off as too strong. I would have her think of other things. Being on a bus can be distracting. She seemed to focused on the dude. I might be off, though. Just a thought. I should have read the whole chapter when I had the chance.
One other thing. It might be just be but the mc accepting to have dinner with a random stranger, when she was in fact a stranger to a new city sounds a bit naive and...I dunno... dim-witted. Maybe if there was something that attracted her to him initially then it wouldn't seem so awkward, but it appeared like she didn't even like him for the most part, and he was being rather mean. It just didn't fit.
