As I continue to work on the second draft of my fantasy story, "Fire Heart", I'm already starting to think of things I may want to add/change when I get to later chapters. The problem is, I'm worried that one idea I have may be too intense, even though it would be in keeping with the mindset of the villains. THE SETUP: In the rough draft, the protagonist and PoV character, Kaina (a priestess), visits the royal palace to try to get in contact with the Queen, who is ill, and uncover more about a heretical organization's plans. Without going into too much detail, this organization has members who are undercover within the city guard, and the captain of the guard, Belan, are their leader. The Queen's illness has been causing her to have miscarriages, which in turn has been making the King feel as if their god, the Phoenix, is punishing them, and therefore he has been losing his faith. Kaina has been suspecting that this is all part of the heretics' plot, influencing the King so that he loses hope and becomes ineffective, even irrational. While in the palace, Kaina overhears Belan speaking with the Queen's attendant, Saira, about how they are the ones behind the Queen's illness. However, after Kaina tries to bring this information to the King and Queen, she is confronted by Belan with more threats. THE IDEA: Ever since Kaina found out that the captain is behind the plot earlier in the story, he warned her that if she continues to try to interfere he and his men may target other priestesses and even people Kaina is close to. This has put her into a constant state of worry, and has made her be more discreet in her actions. What I am considering doing is this: When Kaina is confronted and threatened by Belan, he has some of his men who are acting as palace guards take in one of Kaina's bodyguards (who would have been waiting outside), and beat/torture him in front of Kaina as punishment. This man's name is Bahrem, and Kaina has been developing a close, platonic, even paternal relationship with him throughout the story. It's important to note that the only men who serve the religion's temples are eunuchs, who are not looked at kindly in this society. Having Bahrem get hurt in front of her would hammer home the fact that Belan is not bluffing when he constantly warns Kaina that there will be consequences if she keeps trying to uncover their plot. There's nothing worse than a villain who doesn't keep their promises, right? The issue is that I worry this could get too intense. If I put in this addition, Bahrem of course wouldn't be killed (and I don't want to maim him!), but they realistically could do many horrible things to him, and even though I know that my story is YA (on the older end of the spectrum), I know what Belan and his men are capable of. I can get into the villains' heads as easily as I can with the protagonists of the story. PROS: 1.) It proves Belan is not just talk, backing up his threats from earlier. 2.) It hurts someone Kaina has grown emotionally attached to, making the consequence more personal. 3.) Some language the other men would use against Bahrem would highlight how, in Ralosian society, eunuchs are not appreciated, even when they are acting in service to the Temples. 4.) When he recovers, or starts to, Bahrem will prove his determination and resilience, and will push on despite what was done to him. I keep emphasizing throughout the story how he has been through some pretty bad shit in his life and always stays strong in the face of adversity. That's one of his defining character traits. CONS: 1.) It could get VERY bad. I'm not sure how much I'd want to injure/traumatize Bahrem. 2.) I worry the trauma could be seen by readers as unnecessary, just for shock value even though it's in line with what Belan has constantly warned Kaina about. 3.) The story might slow down a bit too much afterwards as Bahrem is forced to recover. In my rough draft, he is a key figure in the later defense of the Temple of Remmus when Belan and his men attack it. He then is one of several people who journey with Kaina across the desert to try to save the Phoenix.
It sounds to me like you should go for it. At least write it out and see how you feel after that. It will likely help raise the stakes and make the story more intense, which is generally a good thing. The primary reason to avoid doing so is if it won't fit the genre, but since you're writing older YA having a character get beaten up (and I'd probably stop there and not go full torture since it's mostly a warning, but that's just me) should be fine. The pros you listed sound a lot more weighty than the cons, especially since the cons sound like things you can avoid or write around. It shouldn't feel like shock value since it sounds like it's in line with what Belan would do and helps develop the world and characters. If you're worried about hurting Bahrem too much, then just don't have him get hurt to the point where it's a problem.
If you want a climatic injury that serves to make the reader flinch without causing any significant long-term consequences, try having the guards cut one of his fingers (with a dagger?) while the protagonist begs them to stop. It's tense, it's dramatic and it hurts a lot, but losing one finger shouldn't be too much to deal with for him. You could even write a callback to losing his finger at the final battle you've mentioned, having him struggle to hold a weapon with that hand.
Oooh, I really like that idea! It was a thought that passed through my mind, actually, but of course I've only just recently started brainstorming this scene idea so no hard decisions have been made yet. But this very well may make a good addition. That's the beauty of having a forum where ideas can be bounced off of others.
Who cares what other people think?! You're obviously writing for yourself. Write what you'd want to read and screw everybody else. I gaurentee if you like what you write, others will too.
