Here's a section from a project I'm working on - tinkering with it ( I'm prone to fuss over each sentence! ) -particularly the burning hot sentence - Druis choked, water spewing out of his mouth. Burning hot from his lungs that kept expelling it. His head throbbed. His shoulders ached. He was wet and chill. Warm lips moved from his mouth but hovered near. Looking up, he glimpsed in the darkness, an eye of turquoise fire, as if belonging to Neptune himself. “Dumb shit.” the mouth growled. Drius closed his eyes, blotting out his rescuer. Cursing him. - Not sure if the Burning hot is too, cut off from water ( it's subject ) or if 'it' covers it. Any ideas? is this okay? * Not sure if I'm keeping the Neptune's eye reference either - it's a little purple.
It refers to the water, but it seems, to me, to be too far away from the water. Burning hot doesn't really fit anything grammar wise. Those two sentences, in my opinion, when combined with a nickle might buy you a cup of coffee, need to be combined for better grammar and flow. "Burning hot" the way it's written ties in "lungs" more then water. Now one doesn't have to do it this way, but seems to make more sense to me: Druis choked, water, burning a path up his throat from his lungs, spewing out his mouth.
Druis choked, the water spewed from his mouth as his lungs expelled it. Might work this way. I always seem to have a problem making my tenses agree, so i may be improperly analyzing your words, but the sentence could be reduced to this. If he nearly drowned, or is cold from the water, it might only be a lukewarm. If its gotten hot, it might have stayed too long in his lungs to be revived this easily. I know this as I nearly drowned myself. It might feel warm on his lips. Hope this helps a little.
Druis choked and water spewed out of his mouth. Burning hot. His lungs kept expelling it. His head throbbed. minimal change, and burning hot is poetic and can stay imo, even if it is arbitrary. But what is this "He was wet and chill."? Do you mean: "His skin was wet and shivering?" And this is weird:"Warm lips moved from his mouth but hovered near." The lips need an owner. "A man's warm lips moved from his mouth but hovered near." or something... Nodding,
That was to keep the reader off kilter - don't know if it works. The character Drius was drowning himself. And the other man pulled him out. Hence, he's disoriented. This is only a snippet. Maybe I should refer to his skin being cold. I thinking all over. He was all over wet and chill...
"It" can comfortably refer to the subject or object of a previous sentence, but here "water" is neither. It's not a matter of physical distance, it's grammatical distance. If you can get water into the subject or object position of a sentence then it would work better. "Druis choked. Water spewed out of his mouth. Burning hot from the lungs that kept expelling it."
