I'm stuck on a piece of narration. My protagonist is this enormous guy, fat but also strong. A monster is coming up to the door of the bar that he and his friends are holed up in, and they move to attack rather than sit there and wait for it. I need some help describing the first-person act of running up and slamming through a door and knocking over the startlingly naked zombie on the other side. In this case, he was expecting something much worse than a zombie, so this is kind of a confusing moment that follows after some reckless bravado. After the tackle, when the zombie is on the ground and he's standing over it: "What am I looking at here?" I asked, staring down in disbelief at the nude corpse. "Currently?" Sig asked. "A dead man's balls." "That is so helpful, cuz. I mean besides his balls." "Well, besides his balls, there's--" "Don't even say it," I snapped, cutting her off.
I think members of this forum are rolling their eyes and I wonder why someone hasn't already gave you a following answer: Well, I'm not a member, so I say: "Fuck, I hate those stinking zombies!" "That's not a zombie out there you stupid! It's a...it's a...something more worse than a zombie!" "Fuck that, I'm not gona sit here and wait for it to eat my testicles for breakfast! Who's with me?" "Hey, don't look at me, John was your bitch and he's zombie dog-food now!" "Fuck you AND this, this, much worse than a zombie thing!" I pulled the gun out, screamed: "Banzaiiiiii!" and burst out shooting like a crazy maniac. Like someone trapped in a zombie-apocalypse movie, you might say. Yeah, by the way I talk you might've get the wrong impression of me: I never shot a gun before. So my eyes were shut tight, and my arm was shakin' like a rattlesnake's tail. Opening my eyes, I saw a startlingly naked zombie in front of me, it's mouth wide open and it's rotting cock slamming at his bottocks as he walked toward me. "What the...?" "Fuuuuuuuuuuck!" Mike came screaming behind me, shooting at the creature. I ducked (Mike was a lousy shot, as you've seen before) but a bullet still buzzed just above my head. "It wont die Mike, I've already shot it a dozen times!!" "Of course it wont, you moron, it's already dead! It's a fucking Un-dead!" "Don't get philosophical with me, just shoot it!" Suddenly, I realized something that will forever change the way I look at man's members in the future. The zombie's enormous cock was only stinky nd rotten - it was also glowing a sickly green light! "Shoot him in the groin!" I screamed. Immediately, I realized that it was Mike holding the loaded gun. No time to loose - I grabbed the first think that came to my hand, just so happened to be a broken Stop-sign - and I've shove it into the zombie's private area... Like it? Note that I'm gona sue you ass off for copyright infrigement if you use more than 35% of my text without giving me royalties (around 0.03 cents per sold book)
Owing to the unusual nature of the request and @Burlbird's response, I took it upon myself to contact Mr. Woodrow P. Smedley of Standards and Practices regarding the OP. I present his response in full: Dear Mr. fromNY, My, what an odd surname. You may want to check with Dorothea in our Names Subdivision on that. I have reviewed the sample that you sent me, and I find no fewer than 10 violations of Accepted Standards. 1) Monsters and zombies are not allowed in the same story at the same time without a previously obtained Waiver. We have no record of any such waiver being applied for or approved. 2) Once mentioned in the story, said Monster serves no further purpose in the narrative, a clear violation of the Continuity Standard. 3) The use of a phrase such as "startlingly naked zombie" violates both the Logic Standard (since whether zombies are clothed or not is not an issue, unless of course the zombie in question was a prior participant in a transferance with a "monster with an enormous shwanstucker"; however, such has not been stated) and the Redundancy Standard, as zombies are allegedly quite startling enough, naked or clothed. If, however, it is the contention of the writer/applicant that zombies are no longer startling by their very nature, then the entire piece violates the Cliche Standard. 4) The request violates subclause B of the Syntax Standard, as one does not "slam through" a door, but rather "slams" a door, and then only to close it. 5) That the protagonist is described as expecting "something much worse than a zombie" violates the Clearness Standard. We are not told whom or what he was expecting, nor are we told why whom or what he was expecting would be worse than a zombie. 6) If the "worse than a zombie" expected was, in fact, the monster, then we also have a violation of the Character Usage Standard for failure to utilize a newly created character in a timely manner. 7) The first utterance of the protagonist - "What am I looking at?" - violates the Protagonist's Knowledge of Own World Standard for obvious reasons. 8) A second violation of the Protagonist's Knowledge Standard occurs because the narration immediately following the aforementioned utterance focuses on the nudity of the corpse rather than fact that it is a zombie. 9) Come to think of it, the fact that being knocked down by a door killed the zombie violates the Proper Use of Undead Standard. 10) The assumption that the protagonist was looking at the zombie's testicles violates the Field of Vision Standard. 11) It also violates Subpart F of the Acceptable Dialogue Standard, specifically Section 23, "Overuse of Body Parts Slang." Further discussion of this piece is not desired. I remain, Yours truly, Woodrow P. Smedley, Managing Director, Standards and Practices Lucky thing we caught him on a good day.
I just wanna know how some yoho wit a title of 'senior member' can get away wit claiming he ain't a member!...smacks of gross miss representatation, t'me... don' wanna be a member no more, t'row da bum out, I say!
Well this took an unexpected direction! I ended up writing the whole scene last night anyway. This was more of a fun prompt to see if anyone jumped at the chance to kick over a zed (I'm looking at you, Burlbird). To be honest I'm more impressed at EdfromNY and his delightfully smarmy badassery! In fact, I may need to take a moment and apply cold water to the burned area. Ahh, soothing! If anyone's wondering, the zombie had been raised from a nearby police station's morgue as a distraction. The monster itself was actually hanging above the door of the bar, wearing a dozen stray cats tied all about itself with bits of string, using their life force to mask its undead presence. A hilarious chase sequence ensued, and a man named Ill Will Trout punched through a zombie's head, whilst a nearby elf declared "Just as planned!"
