Okay, soo, where do I start? The beginning I suppose. Soo, theres this boy I know. I've known him about four, maybe five years now. When I first met him, we became really good friends, we were both, outcasts, you could say. We got along really well, and after a few months started going out. Okay, we had been going out six months when he and his family moved to Switzerland (SP?). I was devistated, but as most tweenage girls, I soon got over it. We still kept in touch, talking to eachother on Skype most evenings. Now, I'm going to skip about three and a half years to the beginning of August. He started having family problems, his mum and dad always arguing because of work, and he was under a lot of stress because of exams. He confided in me. Me of all people, one girl he dated years ago, someone who lives three thousand miles away, and sees maybe once a year. I was touched by this, as he rarley ever opens up to anyone. He told me everything and I vowed never to tell any one. At the beginnig of the month, something happened, and all of a sudden, we started arguing over the sillyest things. It was strange, in the last four uears, we had never ever had an arguement, and now were having atleast two a week. So, now to the beginning of the week. On monday, he started shouting at me, saying it was all my fault. So I told him to shut up, and to tell me what he was talking about. Then he said something along the lines of. "It's all your fault, I told you that stuff, thinking you wouldn't tell anyone, and now you've gone and told Pippa. Pippa of all people. Just mind your own business and stay out of my life." Then he hung up. Then today he starts talking to me again. I asked what monday was all about and he starts shouting at me again, saying because of me, he's getting in trouble with the school, he's in trouble with his parents, and Pippa is refusing to talk to him. So, I still have no idea what I've supposedly told Pippa, and he is refusing to talk to me again. After everything I have done for him, listen to him cry his problems at me day after bloody day, and this is how he treats me. I don't know what to do any more people, and I don't think I can handle any more of his crap. Fantasy Girl xx
I would send him a communication stating how much the time you've spent with him over the years has meant to you and that you really have no idea waht he's talking about with this 'Pippa' person. Let him know that if he wants to just throw your relationship away, then you are capable of moving on- you'd just like an official answer that isn't emotionally charged. Best of luck.
Can't you just send him an email? Don't be emotional when you write it. Be as clear and thorough as possible. Just lay it all out. Explain that you've been his faithful friend for years and have kept his confidence, but he's about to throw it all away due to a misunderstanding. It sounds like he needs you now more than ever. But this is what people do when they get into a tough spot. They get frustrated and angry and stop thinking rationally. They unwittingly push away their best friends, lovers, family--everyone--when they need those people the most.
good advice from lavarian... as a mom of 7, grandmom of 19, i couldn't have offered any better... love and healing hugs, maia
Aw honey that sounds sucky. I think an honest email or letter or something, just saying that you feel let down & that you haven't done anything to deserve such behaviour. Leave it open for him to apologise, and don't insult or anything as this will only make the problems worse, & he sounds quite tempramental at the moment anyway. But seriously, you don't deserve for him to talk to you like that. A friend's a friend, no matter what kind of bad day you're having. Hope everything gets sorted. xxx
fantasy, I take a bit different view of this situation. The most important thing that has happened here is your former friend has shown you a side of his personality that is not very attractive. Argumentative, refusing to communicate, irrational anger...nobody should put up with such nonsense in a friendship or deeper relationship. Count your lucky stars that you didn't end up in a long term commitment with this troubled person. As far as trying to help him get over his anger, don't waste your time. His behavior reflects a lifetime of reinforcement. You're not professionally trained to deal with such rage, nor is he asking for help. What you are seeing is his REAL character. Run from this relationship!
We are products of our environments. He is clearly reflecting the anger and chaos of his home life. He has been conditioned to act this way, and will continue to do so until conditioned to do otherwise. Sounds like he is displacing the anger and frustration of his home life onto a 'safe' person 3,00 miles away. It is interesting that it is a female who he is displacing this off on to. I would assume, from this, that he contains the greatest anger toward his mother. He needs to feel safe in his home. Since he does not, he is going to act out. Let your conversations be his new 'home' and make sure he feels safe. Don't be judgmental with him or try to punish him, just be firm in your resolve to be his friend. Let him know that his actions are not acceptable in your (Both you and him) safe place (the phone calls).
hilarious, lk! salty... i think you're assuming too much that you can't realistically assume... to give him a chance to explain can do no harm, imo, and may salvage a friendship...
That may be, maia, but I don't think "friends" behave that way in the first place, so I see no "friendship" worth "saving". My own daughters were the same way, always wiling to give some scumbag the benefit of the doubt. There was rarely a frog who later turned out to be a prince. Fortunately, they've all ended up with great partners.
Okay, so in my experiance with this kind of ridiculous crap, (and I've had ALOT of experiance) It's always worth giving the person that one last honest chance to make things right, or at least a shot at beginning the healing, the renewal of trust. Alot of times people won't accept your last chance and eventually the stress from it all is only going to hurt you and it won't be worth it anymore, sometimes you just need to say goodbye. But if you really feel like it's worth one last shot, I say go for it, but don't let the situation kill you.
amen to all of that, nonnie! i'd been there too, too many times to count, so can't agree with you more...
Sometimes I feel like I'm looking in the mirror. Fantasy girl, I've been in your shoes, and trust me, it's no fun place to be. I made the mistake of closing myself off to the person that confided in me. I found it to be the biggest mistake of my life. So here's my advice to you, the next time you talk to him, whether it be via mail, email or phone. Don't bring up about the previous fights you had. Instead ask him how he's been, and if he's feeling well. I'm not saying to avoid the subject completely, just carefully work into it, and make sure to keep a clear head. If he tries fighting bite your tongue and listen. If he hangs up give it time before you turn around and call him, give him a day at least. The best advice is to take things slowly, one step at a time. Don't rush things and don't, whatever you do, jump to conclusions. It's the worst thing anyone can ever do. And I just realized I suck at the whole personal advice stuff *sweatdrop*, but I hope everything works out between you two. The worst feeling in the world is knowing that you let one of the greatest friendships you ever had (in your case also a relationship) slip right through your fingers because of a slight mistake. Good luck Fantasy
