I decided to turn a novel I'd been working on into a web serial and posted the first three chapters. Here is the blurb I'm going to use for some review websites. Any advice on making it better? Thank you Ada will do anything to keep her family safe. Conquered by an oppressive kingdom, citizen-soldiers murder her people as a rite of passage. So far, her village has gone untouched. They are the greatest archers in the land, and the king shields them in exchange for their loyalty. When he commands Ada to serve as his daughter’s archery tutor, she can’t refuse, no matter how she hates him. But in his daughter, she finds hope. Princess Chloe mastered magic in countless previous lives and was born into this one with a hint of that power. The oracle gave her father a prophecy: Chloe would either be a great mystic or a great queen—but he was wrong. She will be both, and she is going to prove it. The king isn’t taking chances. He burns the sacred library, banishes the philosophers, and forces her to take up the bow to please Ares and all of Olympus. Ada risks the King’s favor and brings Chloe scrolls from the oracle—scrolls containing knowledge that transcends the gods. One day, she will be a philosopher queen, and she will turn her back on Olympus, and she will teach the people the truth, and they will free themselves. The world won’t wait for Chloe. A powerful cultist from Ada’s homeland loses her sons in a coming of age slaughter. Grieving and vengeful, the cultist unleashes a terrible demon whose power will kill thousands on both sides. This is the opportunity the King has waited for—an excuse to rid his lands of monks, philosophers, and mystics, and to make certain Chloe never strays from the narrow path to the crown. Can Ada stop the demon without betraying her people? Can Chloe turn against the gods without destroying her father?
Your second sentence is a fragment. That may not be good marketing. It is confusing that Ada hates the protective king. The part about the oracle feels like it is either saying she WILL be wizard and queen, or that Chloe wants to be wizard and queen, leaving the reader wonder if the book is about her trying, or about how this defacto ascension takes place. Overall, I would think the function of a blurb is to suggest rather than tell. While you do that at the end, it is only after a whole lot of summary that doesn't make people feel the need to read the long version.
Thanks, that’s so weird (the sentence fragment). I read it like 10 times but I guess all the cutting and pasting scrambled my brain. I edited it to fix the fragment.
I feel like you're taking too many words to say too little. Like, your first paragraph could be boiled down to: Ada's village has made a deal with the devil: they provide archers in exchange for protection from their ruler's murderous soldiers. When the king demands more, and requires that Ada serve as his daughter's archery tutor, she cannot refuse. But, really, I'm not sure this is where you want to start anyway. You're giving us plot details, but what I think most blurb readers want is a sense of the reading experience, not the plot outline. Who is your main character? It seems like you have two, but for the purpose of a blurb I'd be tempted to either eliminate one or join them really quickly at the start and then keep them as a team. Like: The king will destroy Ada's village if she doesn't tutor his daughter, Chloe, in the art of archery. He'll imprison Chloe if she doesn't bend to his will and become a soldier rather than a mage. The women have no reason to be friends, until they realize... or whatever. Overall, I'd avoid plot and focus on setting, characters, and the briefest summary of the main conflict. Think sales material, not plot synopsis.
